The Bird by My Window

     Things have been going pretty great lately, work at the shelter is going alright, I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me, the semester is over and my friends are back for the summer. You'd think I'd be alright, right? and for the most part things are great, but every now and then, the house is too silent, the porch, the neighborhood, everything is too quiet. It feels like I'm going crazy and I can't get the voices out of my head. My depression comes back, I start losing energy and feeling useless and alone. I find myself blaming the sunshine because all I was looking forward too was the rain and thunder. It brakes the silence, thunder snaps you back, it reminds you of beauty in the rolling storms. Laced with the lighting that brightens the world, refreshed by the rain that comes with it and rolls your worries down your shoulders.
     But today I don't have thunder, I don't have rain. Instead, I have a bird by my window that flew so fast past and squawked loudly at me. telling me to get up and try to enjoy the sunshine.

so I did, I went kayaking.

     Suddenly the rustling leaves filled the quiet and the wind blew the voices out of my mind. I appreciated the sunshine filtering through the clouds after the cold touch of the river. The exertion felt good too, endorphins always help. My muscles felt pleasantly worn and stretched after the workout of paddling upstream and my mind felt at peace again floating back downriver. Sometimes it's so hard to remember that all I need to break the ice is to make myself get up and DO something.
     Sometimes it helps to have a little bird chirp a reminder at you too.

     I actually wrote the first half of this right before I went kayaking, and the second about 3 weeks later as I'm sitting on my couch, scared at how hard it is to breathe, and scared of the heat outside that makes it so much worse. I tried to be an adult and after years of issues, finally got myself checked out for asthma. The doctor I went to didn't really listen to me and just kind of there a generic prescription at me without hearing my needs, since I started this medication it's gotten worse. My next appointment to hopefully try to fix this with a different doctor isn't for another 5 days.
    
     So here I am. Finishing one of the many posts that I had started and left hanging. Trying to remind myself of when the sunshine wasn't quite so cruel.

Update: This was supposed to post last july...  not sure why it changed places in my blog.